Memories of the Future

When Joe and I were planning our honeymoon, we almost went to Kauai. Instead, we chose to enjoy our first 10 days as husband and wife in a suite overlooking Hana Bay on the lush east coast of Maui. Our honeymoon was perfect, it exceeded our wildest dreams, but the allure of the Garden Isle still lingered in our minds. We daydreamed of the day when we could go to Kauai as a family. So, it was in Joe’s memory that I planned a short trip to Kauai with my sons. This vacation was a way for us to include Joe in a new memory.

In my experience, one of the biggest sources of pain in a family that has experienced loss comes from having wonderful memories from the past turn into a source of pain. Sometimes these memories trigger emotions that are just too painful to handle, so we try not to think of them. To protect ourselves.

We have been watching a lot of Encanto recently and Bruno’s story encapsulates that frame of mind. It’s the mentality of, “we don’t talk about ____”. As its described in the movie, when memories of our loved ones are lost to the past, that’s how we lose the magic. The blessing. Everything that was wonderful about that person’s spirit. Their vibration. This is why it has been important to me that I help my sons develop a spiritual relationship with their father- primarily through golf.

From the moment we arrived in Poipu, Kauai, I felt like I could see Joe there. I just knew it was the kind of place that he would love. The little farmstand/coffeeshop that’s surrounded by an army of wild chicken and roosters, the golf course with a beautiful mountain backdrop, everything made me think about him. As I enjoyed my vacation with my family, I realized a part of me is glad Joe and I didn’t spend our honeymoon there. If we did, Kauai would be a specific memory of Joe during a wonderful period in our lives and his absence would hurt.

Gwyneth Paltrow once said it was important to her father to take her to France when she was younger because “he wanted her memory of Paris to be with a man who would always love her”. That quote stuck with me. What struck me was the realization that, so many of the places that we visit have “flesh memories”. The places that we visit with a loved one hold the vibration of that person. It’s a living memory.

I’m happy to have the opportunity to move forward and make memories that still include Joe.

The highlight of the trip was taking my oldest son to the golf course. I’ve wanted to pass down my husband’s love of golf to my sons ever since I found solace in his golf clubs in a moment of despair, shortly after his death. For my son, his first time playing on an actual golf course happened on Kauai. It was wonderful. We wore matching shirts because that’s probably what Joe would’ve wanted to do - he was kind of cheesy like that. Now, whenever my son remembers his first time on a course, he will remember how funny his father was.

When we got to the golf course, I was nervous to get out there and play. I had never done it before, and I wanted to get all the etiquette right. I was anxious I’d make a rookie mistake and embarrass myself. I felt like eyes would be on me, as it’s less common to see a young boy on the course with his mom, as opposed to his dad. I remember looking out at the beautiful view from the 5th hole, watching my son jumping up and down in excitement, having the time of his life, and being overcome by the thought that, “this should be you”, “this should be Joe”.

As I stepped up to the tee, Joe answered. All of my fears melted away and it was so natural. That’s how I knew we were in the right place at the right time, and he was there cheering us along. Playing golf with my son in matching outfits on our vacation was our way of saying, “we are not forgetting you. You will not stay in the past. You will be a part of our future memories.”