How to Talk About Death (With a 5 Year Old)

My son began asking questions about death before my husband died. I remember walking past a graveyard and watching him fill with curiosity before my eyes. He wanted to know all about graveyards and the people buried in them. On another occasion, while visiting my mom, we found a dead butterfly in her yard. My son was overwhelmed with sadness over the death of this butterfly. So, we taught him about our beliefs. We told him we believed in reincarnation – that tiny lifeless butterfly would go on to live a brand-new life. We placed the butterfly’s body somewhere sacred and beautiful and prayed it got to return as a human so he could help others one day. This foundation in my son's understanding of death and dying, helped when I had to tell him the news about his father.

Just a few weeks ago I got a call from a friend – her ex-partner, and the father of her child had just passed. After sharing the news, the conversation shifted to her daughter and she asked, “how do I tell my 5-year-old her dad died?” It wasn’t an easy question, and it didn’t have an easy answer, but it's an unknown many find themselves facing. While everyone will have a different experience, and you should always do what’s right for your unique situation, this post details the things I found most important when telling my 5-year-old his father had passed, and the discussions about his death to follow.

My response began with a question, “do you have a clear picture of what happens after we die?” Whether it is a faith-based picture, a spiritual one, or something completely different, don’t say anything to your child until you have a clear picture that is understandable, repeatable, and truthful. At 5, that question will inevitably be asked time and time again. Developing a concise and consistent message offers them a sense of comfort when their lives are rapidly changing around them.

My second piece of advice was to think about the time of day and location she chose to tell her daughter and to choose it wisely. She should be able to process the news in the space where she feels the safest and comforted. While not everyone will experience this, it’s likely the space will always represent the moment she found out their lives had changed forever. Provide a space for her to feel what she needs to, how she needs to, surrounded by energy that grounds her in love and reminds her that, eventually, things will be ok again.

Once you tell a young child their parent has passed, you can’t have any expectation of what their reaction will be. Most likely, they will be sad – but it's also very likely that they will be sad for a very short period, then want to move on. At 5, they may appear to understand the situation perfectly, then immediately ask to go play. You have to be ready to say, “ok, let's go play.”

When I sat my son down and told him, “This is what’s happened. I want you to know this is what we believe” I also told him, “If you feel sad and you feel like you want to cry, you cry. If you feel like you want to go and build Legos, we will go build Legos.” When he told me he wanted to build Legos, I had to make sure it was not a somber event – it was just a normal afternoon of building Legos with his mom. It was important to me that I never let my experience try to guide him. His experience was that he was the leader, and I was always there to support him.

In the beginning, it was really important for me to show my sons that it’s ok to feel big feelings. At the same time, it was equally important I did not let them see me breaking down all the time. I needed to model what healthy processing of emotions looked like, but it was imperative I ensure that after losing their father, they didn’t lose their mother to grief as well. For me, that processing involved doing activities together, talking about their dad, and sharing his memory.

When something pops up that reminds me of their dad, I don’t hesitate to share it with my sons. They have learned to seek comfort in the rainbows he sends us. I talk to their dad frequently, sometimes even out loud, and I involve him in all our favorite activities. While I am adapting to my new role as both mom and dad on earth, my son's father still plays an active role in their life. My constant and consistent message to my boys is that “you have a father. Even if you can’t see him, he loves you and will always be there for you.”