Unknown
One of the things I love most about my relationship with my oldest son right now is how a seemly “simple” question can spark such a remarkably deep and honest conversation. The morning of Halloween my son and I were talking in the car and the topic of fear came up. He asked, “Mommy, what if I see a ghost? I’d be so scared if I saw a ghost.” I reassured him that, “ghosts usually just want your attention – they want to feel like they are here with us. They just want people to notice them.” Then a simple question with a simple answer, yet again, proved to hold a deeper truth – I went on to say, “The way to face your fear whether it be a ghost or a dog (something my son is currently afraid of), is to face it head on and say to the thing you fear, I can see you and you don’t scare me.” He thought that was funny.
After our conversation, I began to think about that question for myself - I needed to identify my fear and face it. My answer was the unknown. What is going to happen? Will we be ok? How will we be ok?
In the past few weeks, I have been trying to hone in on the next best steps for our family. What roots do we want to lay down? How do we want to set up our lives now that Joe is no longer with us? There has been a LOT of fear around these questions. A lot of self-doubts and inner turmoil where I question, “how am I supposed to do this without you?” Countless nights were spent weeping, missing my husband, and begging for his guidance from the other side.
I kept begging Joe to send me a sign that was so remarkable and undeniable that I couldn’t possibly doubt he was there. I needed concrete evidence to calm the fear raging in my heart. But I can’t know the unknowable – I must move forward with the belief and faith that he is here with us.
A life coach of mine once said, “when we turn off the lights, we don’t fear the dark.” It’s not actually the darkness we are afraid of; we fear what we can’t see lurking within it. We fear the unknown. I have been sitting and musing with that idea for quite a while – how can we face the unknown not only unafraid but with joy and hopefulness? Can we play in the unknown and take away its power by admitting it’s there?
We have been planning a memorial golf tournament in Joe’s honor and one of our friends is helping design a logo for us. I just received it yesterday. It is Joe's silhouette in red with the words “Joe Knows.” below. It's reminiscent of the “Bo Knows” advertising campaign for Nike – which is the perfect representation of Joe’s energy. He was the one that people turned to in a time of crisis. Just like the picture in the logo, he was warm and approachable. He was a friend to all. This is why when I saw the logo it clicked.
The moment I opened the image I burst into tears. The night before I had a dream of Joe wearing red, comforting me, and telling me that I don’t have to worry, it will all be ok. When I saw the logo, I immediately knew that I don’t have to fear the unknown, because Joe knows.