The (Not So) Jealous Widow

Since becoming a widow, I’ve had to fight the urge to run up to every happy couple I see, shake them violently, and scream, “appreciate each other and what you have every single day because you could lose it in an instant!” Usually, I will calmly resolve myself and say a quick prayer that they have a long and happy life together. Occasionally, a third scenario plays out in which I dive head-first into the pits of jealousy.

Although it doesn’t often happen, when it does, jealousy can be raw and difficult to navigate. Although all humans experience some form of jealousy, not many people discuss it in the context of grief. As I’ve said before, grief is a kaleidoscope comprised of all emotions in the human psyche, jealousy included.

While jealousy still operates the same after a loss, grief subtly alters its nuances. When you feel jealousy towards someone, that indicates that deep down you desire what they have but feel you can’t have it. After reflecting on various encounters with couples that left me feeling green, I realized I wasn’t jealous because of something I wanted that I couldn’t have; I was jealous of something I could have but questioned if I still wanted. I recognized that I didn’t want to be happy without my husband. It wasn’t a matter of if I could or would be happy without him - it was a matter of choosing to do so.

For its believers, Buddhism offers an antidote for jealousy, rooted in reincarnation (which I dive deeper into here). It is believed that all beings have been in the cycle of birth, sickness, old age, and death since “beginningless time,” reincarnating countless times in countless lifetimes. In these myriads of lifetimes, we have all taken turns being each other’s mothers.

**While the Buddhist texts use specific verbiage, one can view the idea of a “mother” as an archetype for selflessness and compassion – anyone can embody that archetype in some way.

With the understanding that we have loved and nurtured all, we also owe tremendous gratitude to all beings for loving and nurturing us in forgotten lifetimes. So, when you feel the heat of jealousy beginning to rise, rejoice that its recipient has something worth envying in this life. Approach others with acceptance, kindness, and a willingness to serve because wouldn’t you do this for the person who raised you?

Karma also plays a role in the Buddhist antidote for jealousy. If someone has something to be jealous of in this life, it is because they did something worthy of merit in a previous life. It is a result of a lifetime, or multiple lifetimes, of caring for others. Everything good and every positive action benefits us, even if we are watching it seemingly outside of ourselves.

In grief, all feelings are valid. The most important thing is not to feel guilt surrounding your emotions. The whole kaleidoscope of grief needs to be felt - we can’t ignore a certain feeling, or it will compound and eventually explode. While we can not control all emotions, we can choose to seek happiness. Will we choose to find joy in a world where our loved ones occupy a different time and space? Will we choose to be happy in a world where we can’t have what we thought we wanted?